The Seduction of Sirius Black
by MunkyGurl
Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? “How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them”. He goes to Sirius, who doesn’t know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him...
1. Forming a Plan

Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black

Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him...

Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC

Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe....

Chapter One: Forming a Plan

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Hey Siri, how's it- "No"...Sup? Just wanted to tell you that I think you're dead sexy! "Yeah, right"...I've been lusting after you for a while now, and I was just wondering if you fancied quick shag? "AAARRRGGGHHH!"  
  
This was NOT working.  
  
I threw myself into the direction of my beanbag, completely missed it, and winced as I felt my shoulder collide painfully with the floor.  
  
"OWWWW!" Huffing angrily, I crawled the three feet to my bright red bean chair and threw my self against it properly, holding my shoulder.  
  
/You know/ Said a nagging voice that sounded eerily like Hermione /I reckon that _that_ was slightly less painful that that last line you just came up with/  
  
"Shut up!" I snapped. "Who knew that this was going to be so hard?" Hard was an understatement. I had probably come up with dozens of awful lines like that (and had even taken some from sappy romance novels and films) in my quest to tell Sirius just how much I liked him. That's right folks, I had been desperately infatuated with Sirius for the better part of the last 2 years, and I had yet to tell him.  
  
It was the summer after fourth year when I started to realize how deep my feelings for him ran. The rebirth of the dark lord prompted the ministry to give Sirius (and a bunch of other prisoners) a due trial. But of course, the ministry being the ministry, "due" didn't necessarily mean "fair", and there was no guarantee that he was going to win. It was then that I realized that I wouldn't be able to survive if Sirius was taken away from me again. This realization prompted me to explore these feelings.  
  
Needless to say, Siri won his trial, and the court "awarded" him with a Gringotts slot (full of the old Black inheritance) all of his belongings back. Including this gorgeous brick house in Ottery St. Catchpole with the rainbow garden and the lake that he liked to go skinny-dipping in at 9:45 every Sunday morning...  
  
I sighed as I looked out the floor length window that was next to my bag and my bookshelf. I liked this little corner. It was one of the few places in this big house that I could really sit and think, that is, with out being in danger of being attacked by a swarm of dust bunnies (they seemed to like all of the comfy squishy places).  
  
It wasn't as if I didn't have a chance, it was common knowledge that Sirius went both ways. COMMON common knowledge. As in he'd been tagged as a VIP in nearly every club in Britain (a result of shagging the owners silly). He had managed to obtain the rep of being a bit of a man-whore. Remmie says that he's trying to compensate for something by dating people half his age, Siri told him to shut up.  
  
And it wasn't as if I was hideous either. Id had my fair share of partners since id come out in 6th year. Id even dated Draco Malfoy for a couple of months last year before Seamus seduced him...  
  
So there we had it; he liked guys, I was old enough by his standards, I was good looking, I _lived_ with him for Christ sakes- /And the only thing that's stopping you from making a move is your inability to come up with a suitable pick up line, right? /  
  
"I thought I told you to shut up?'" At that moment, two pairs of feet could be heard rushing up the stairs towards my room. The door burst open.  
  
"Are you alright?" Sirius asked, brow creased in concern as he caught sight of the hand over my purpling shoulder.  
  
"Sounded like you were coming through the floor," said an amused voice. I looked past the approaching Sirius to see Remus Lupin leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, eye brow raised, tangled honey coloured curls hanging about his face and down to his neck.  
  
"Yea, I fell. Tripped. Over my shoe." /Nice Potter, your not even _wearing_ shoes, nor are there any around you/ But Remus didn't comment on the lack of foot wear as he simply hitched his brow higher and crossed his ankles. I stuck my tongue out at him.  
  
I then stiffened when I felt Sirius' hand on my shoulder. Swallowing, I turned slowly to my left to find (and feel) him gently prodding at the bruise. His tongue quickly peaking out to moisten those full lips, long eye lashes batting over two deep pools of royal blue...  
  
A tap on the nose brought me back with a start to the chuckling of Remus and Sirius' trademark smirk. "Huh?" I said dumbly. _How long had I been staring?_  
  
"I said, I think you'll live" he patted me on the knee and stood up. "You hungry? Lunch is ready" He held out a hand. I wasn't ready to go down yet, but I couldn't pass up the chance to hold Sirius' hand, if only for a brief moment. I lifted my sweaty palm to his, trying to look relaxed as I stood on shaky knees.  
  
"Yea, um, I'll be down in a sec. I need to...um, find something." _Smooth_ I thought, averting my gaze.  
  
"Alright, don't be too long" he said, and walked past Remus, who tossed me an odd look over his shoulder before he followed Sirius out the door.  
  
/That went well/ "You know, I'm really getting sick of you." /Better stop looking in the mirror then/ "Grrr"

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Some time later found me pacing the bathroom down the hall from my room. I'd been in here for Merlin knows how long. /You'll turn your hands into linguini if you keep ringing them together like that/ Said Herm- the voice in my head cheekily, but I chose to ignore it. Stopping my pacing, I sat down on the edge of the tub and put my head in my hands.  
  
Lunch had been a horrible affair. When I finally stopped fretting enough to go down stairs, it was to find the two former marauders already seated to the three-person kitchen table, a pot of chicken stew between them. They seemed to be deep in conversation; witch stopped abruptly when Siri glanced up and saw me.  
  
"Just drop it, alright?" he said, and he looked a bit upset. Remus shrugged in what looked like frustration, and started to ladle me a bowl of stew as I sat down. Sirius kept his eyes to his bowl, trying to spear a potato with his spoon.  
  
"Did you get lost?" Remus asked in mock concern (1) as he handed me my bowl. Siri grinned.  
  
"Sm-thn like that" I mumbled as I picked up my spoon and shoved several bites into my mouth, willing my butterflies to clam over so that I could swallow. Sirius opened his mouth as if to comment on the broth that was running down my chin, but closed it with a slight shake of his head. After that, him and Remus slipped into a conversation about the on goings of the order, and some friend of Sirius' named Dave that Remmie met up with in a pub on Tuesday past.  
  
I had finished my stew and was slipping in and out of their talk, wondering if they were aware that I was still here, when I chanced a quick glance at Sirius. He was a very animated talker, always gesturing with his hands...although he seemed to be moving in slow motion..._where is that MUSIC coming from?  
_  
And that's when it happened.  
  
He reached a hand up to push a stray lock of hair behind his ear, the majority of which was done up in a twist that was held with silver chopsticks. I had the strongest desire for him to pull out those cursed sticks and shake his head, for his hair to blow about like it was caught in the wind, for him to pucker those shimmery wet lips at me...  
  
Before my mind could convey to my hand what a stupid idea it was, it had reached up and pulled out one of the sticks. Sirius looked over at me. I gaped. He reached up and pulled out the other stick, sending his blue-black hair cascading over his shoulders and down his back. I did something of a moan/whimper and he smiled.  
  
"You like?" he asked, running his hands through it. I nodded, not trusting that my voice was up to anything more than garbling. "You can touch it if you want." He said in response to my staring.  
  
I lifted a trembling hand slowly up to the crown of his head and dragged my fingers through the thick silk. I did it again, and he winced as my fingers caught in a tangle.  
  
"Sorry!" I blushed, jerking my hand back.  
  
"No harm done" he smiled, although his eyes were a bit glassy. He inclined his head toward me, urging me on. "Go on." he seemed a little breathless.  
  
Resolving to be more careful this time, I tried again with my other hand. Hitting no snags, I drug my hand through the length of it again and again, almost massaging now. I was gaining confidence, as Sirius seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. He sighed in contentment, leaning into my touches. He was like a dog that was having his tummy rubbed. I thought I heard Remus chuckle from somewhere near the sink.  
  
And that's when IT happened.  
  
In all of the fun I was having, I had forgotten to think of my body's potential reaction to touching (almost intimately) the object of my last 30 wet dreams. I began to think about it all right, right after a particular problem...um..._arose_.  
  
"OH god!" l leapt up in horror when I felt my arousal twitch painfully, and I thanked the heavens that I had chosen to wear a pair of my old Dudley- huge pants. Siri's eyes snapped open.  
  
"What's wrong?" parental instincts kicking in again, as if I hadn't just been getting off on his head.  
  
/How are you possibly going to get your self out of this one Potter/ "Diarrhea!" /_NO_! / "Yeah, that stew must have gotten to me" I said, putting my hand to my stomach for effect. I definitely heard Remus snort/giggle in the back round that time. /I hate you potter/  
  
"Are you alright?" he asked, shooting Remus a look (he was currently holding on to the side of the counter for support, laughing so hard it was a wonder he hadn't passed of for lack of breath). He himself didn't have the slightest trace of amusement on his face, which made the situation, if possible, that much worse. _He's really worried. God, he probably thinks I have_ _some terminal_ _illness._ /Or he could be miffed that you just ragged on his famous chicken stew. From the olden days, that recipe was.../ I closed my eyes. I had forgotten how much pride Sirius took in his cooking. I groaned.  
  
Sirius jumped up, face lined in concern. Remus collapsed. /Crap! You really know how to dig one, don't you Potter? / "Um, I'm just going to go to, um, the loo. Yea, gonna be in there for a while." I turned and raced through the hall and up the stairs, slamming the bathroom door and locking it before I slid down the length of it to land in a crumpled heap on the floor. I was perfectly content to lay here and play dead, until my cock twitched again. _Might as well get rid_ _of one of the problems I've gotten myself into_. Sighing, I rolled onto my back and unbuttoned my jeans, sliding my hand past the waist band of my boxers...

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That had been almost two hours ago. Since then, I had gotten my self off twice, opened the window, lay down in the tub, drifted off to sleep, jerked awake and banged my head on the tap, and had just ceased my pacing in favor of _sitting_ and pitying myself. /Why don't you see if you can manage to sneak past his room to yours? Believe me, with that story you told them, they are not going to want to come looking for you in here/ "Shove off" I growled. "Stupid Lupin, laughing at me...Should feed him something that gives _him_ the trots." I made to open the door. Slowly turning the handle, intending to look left then right before stepping out. Need I even say that that wasn't the way it turned out? I opened the door to a face full of Sirius, hair still down and tussled, fist poised as if he were just beginning to knock. He grinned.  
  
"Hey" he said brightly.  
  
"Hey" I deadpanned, taking a small step back. His smile vanished.  
  
"Still feel sick? I have I potion you can take." I made a face and he chuckled slightly. "Or not. Can I come in?"  
  
I stepped aside as he strode in, sitting Indian style against the toilet. He patted the space in front of him. I closed the door and went to sit in front of him, placing my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands. "Lupin not joining us?" I asked with a small smile.  
  
He smiled back. "Sorry about him, he can be such a _Remus_ sometimes, but you gotta love him. I had to peel him off of the floor after you left, I think he's asleep now." He took in my dis-shelved state. "How did that go by the way? You should be nice and, urm, _cleansed_."  
  
I looked up, mortified. "_SIRIUS_! "  
  
He threw his head back and laughed, throwing up his hands in a defensive manor. "Sorry, sorry. Its just- (he looked at his watch) you've been in here for a _while_."  
  
I buried my face in my hands, which started up another bout of laughter. I let out a few chuckles of my own. We settled into a comfortable silence. I looked up; Siri was picking with the floor tile, hair falling into a curtain around his face. I poked his knee and smiled shyly when he looked up.  
  
"Something you want to talk about?" he asked, pulling an elastic from around his wrist to tie his hair up in a messy bun. This was my chance.  
  
"Yea, actually...um, have you ever been in love?" I blurted. He looked surprised, but I could tell that he was considering the question by the way that he cocked his head.  
  
"Hmmmm. Well, I'd like to say that I have. Although it didn't work out in the end, I'd say we were in love."  
  
"Who was it? What happened?" I asked, momentarily forgetting my own problems.  
  
"Oh, just some guy named Remus Lupin" he said with a smirk.  
  
My eyes widened to the size of saucers. "You and Remmie?"  
  
"Yup, sixth year and a little of seventh. Nothing really _happened_, we just, fell _out _of love, I guess you could say. One day we woke up and realized that the feelings just weren't there anymore, that we would be better off as friends. "He chuckled. "I remember that day. We talked, shook on it, and proceeded to shag our selves silly until dinner." He turned back to me. "Why, do you think you're in love?"  
  
_Now or never Harry_. "Actually, um." _I cant do it_ "There's just sort of this guy, that I've really liked for a longtime now. Only I'm just so sure that he would never like me back."  
  
Something flickered in his eyes. "Have you tried talking to him?"  
  
"Not really. I know for a fact that he's never really thought of me like that. I'm just not sure what to do to get his attention."  
  
He considered this." There are some things that _I _always do when I want to make myself noticeable to someone I fancy."  
  
"Really? Like what?"  
  
"Well, for starters, try to develop an interest in some of the things that he likes. Say music or books or movies. Try to hang around him more, but not stalk him. Just, make yourself available. If that doesn't work, you can try to get him to physically notice you."  
  
"How would I do that?" I was mentally writing all of this down. If this was the stuff that Siri _reall_y used to bed all of those people...  
  
"Well, you could wear suggestive clothing around him for one. Tight leather pants maybe? Eyeliner, nail varnish, glitter. Not whorish, mind you, just something to get you noticed. And if all else fails, you could always just walk right up to him and kiss him square on the lips!"  
  
We collapsed into a fit of giggles. "Did that help?"  
  
I smiled, I finally had a plan. "More than you'll ever know."

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Remus Lupin stood just out side the slightly ajar door, arms folded, smirking. That was definitely an interesting conversation. _If I'm right, which I know I am...this could be fun to watch. Sirius is_ _such a moron_ (2), _he wont get it... Must remember to keep an eye on young Potter._ He thought, before he turned and walked silently back to his room.

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1- if you've noticed, I seemed to have made dear Remmy a little OOC in this story (lets just assume that Sirius has gotten over his bout of depression, and that Harry has become gay and slightly spastastic sometime over the last 2 years). It's just that I've read SO many stories where even after Harry had graduated; Remus was still the quiet modest Prof. Lupin from PoA. Not to say that I don't love that Lupin with every fiber of my being, it's just that he was a Marauder! He has to have been rebellious at some time, right? Sirius couldn't have been the only one with retorts and snappy comments. And now that life is settled and Harry is safe and Sirius is back, he should be able to play on his rebel side a bit more (at least in MY story, cause that's the way I'M writing it). Sorry 'bout that. I've gotten yelled at for not following cannon one to many times...  
2- Sorry, dont mean to make sirius a clueless moron, its just, the seduction doesnt really _work_ if he gets it right away. Have to make harry _work_ for it! giggles 

---------- Finally, I've been meaning to post this for forever. How do you like it so far? I'm not sure how many chapters yet, but it's definitely NOT over. Review? Please? Thanx! -----------------


	2. Music, Movies, and Misunderstandings

Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black  
  
Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him...  
  
Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC  
  
Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe....  
  
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Authors Note: Thank you to all of my wonderful reviewers. I didn't really think I would get much of a response, but I'm glad to know that people actually LIKE this crap I call writing, so, yeah. If it takes me a while to update in the future, its only cause I want to make sure that the story is the best quality (IE: I cant spell to save my life and plot bunnies are evil). Thanks to the yahoo groups CanisMajor and HarryPotterSlash also! (God, I sound like I just won an academy award or smthin!) Luvs- you all! (Kisses)  
  
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Chapter Two: Music, Movies, and Misunderstandings  
  
(This chapter starts out in a different tone than the 1st one, but it gets better. I promise.)  
  
That night, I took dinner in my room. I needed the time to think, and I doubted that id really be able to eat in all of the excitement I was feeling.  
  
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"Hope you feel better tomorrow." Said Remus as he sat at the table with a plate of pasta in front of him. Sirius was bustling around the kitchen, looking for tuper-ware to put my food in so that I could bring it up to my room. I 'tutted' in Remus's direction.  
  
"No really, I was worried about you." I hitched a brow. "_Really_...Fine, don't believe me. Just remember that _I'm_ not the one who poisoned you." He looked pointedly at Sirius, who had just turned to glare at him, a big metal strainer in his hand.  
  
"I didn't _poison_ him." He shot back, and then turned to me. "Which reminds me, I was thinking that maybe it was the basil that you didn't agree with? Maybe I should alter the recipe the next time..."  
  
"Or just let me cook."  
  
Sirius shot him a dark look. "_Where_ did you put the plastic bowls?" His teeth were clinched and I could see the veins in his right hand, due to him squeezing the strainer. _He doesn't look like_ _he's in too good of a mood_  
  
If Rem had noticed Siri's change in moods since this afternoon, he didn't say anything, although he seemed to be aware of it. In fact, it seemed as if he was almost..._challenging_ him, egging him on. Raising a defiant brow as if to say 'You don't scare me', he raised a forkful of pasta to his mouth and said "In the cupboard" before he put it in his mouth.  
  
Siri turned back to the cabinet. "The ones with the _lids_."  
  
"The _bottom_ cupboard." Rem smiled again, and continued eating.  
  
Sirius titled his head and smiled tensely back at him, before ducking down to open the cabinet under the sink, emerging with a large clear bowl and a blue lid. "Did you want garlic bread?" He said in my direction, not quite meeting my eyes. I noticed for the first time that _his_ looked a little red and puffy. _He had been sniffling when he came into the kitchen_, I realized.  
  
"Um, yeah." I mumbled, twisting the bottom of my shirt around my middle finger. _He doesn't_ _seem to want to be around me_ /He probably just feels guilty about earlier, not to mention that _huge_ zit on your chin. I wouldn't want to look at you either/ _But how am I supposed to_ _seduce him if he won't even look at me? And it is NOT that big_! /If you follow his advice _exactly_, and _try_ not to screw it up this time, then surly nothing can go _to_ horribly wrong/ _I didn't try to_ _screw it up the LAST time, it just happened. It's not MY fault he has such a sexy head_ /...For the sake of both our sanity, I'm going to pretend that you were referencing to a different head. I'm also going to suggest that you get your self some help with this...and maybe some liquid cover up. / _But who would I get to- DRACO_!  
  
A tap on the nose brought me back to earth for the second time that day. "Maybe we should look into getting him some ADD medication," Remus was saying. Sirius was holding out a wicker basket to me. I took it slowly. "What's all this?"  
  
A slight flush was creeping into his cheeks. "I thought you might get hungry, if not now then later, since, you know, you didn't _really_ eat a lot at lunch, and I didn't want you to have to come down to the kitchen late at night, since, you know, the last time you went walking around at night in the dark you fell down the stairs, and um...there's a warming charm on it, and a flask of pumpkin juice, and I put in extra napkins just in case. So...Yeah." He broke off, looking to the ground. _Boy, he's really going through a lot of trouble to make sure that I'm not mad at him,_ _when it's not even really his fault_! /I say it's just as much _his_ fault as it is yours. If he would just find some bloody shoes that didn't come untied so much, we wouldn't be in this predicament, now would we? /  
  
I looked up at him, his emotions flickering across his face. Nervousness...annoyance...then he settled back into the sad agitated look that he'd had not five minutes ago. _God, he can't be_ _THAT upset about it_! /I'm telling you, it's your face/ _No, something else is bothering_ _him...and SHUT UP_!  
  
I smiled at him when he looked up at me and I reached for a hug, which he returned strongly.  
  
"Awwww. You two should _so_ get married." Said Remmy, carrying his plate over to the sink. Siri reached back and gave him a swift smack to his backside, causing him to jump about three feet into the air, and yelp as suds from the sink splashed him. Siri gave me a soft peck to the forehead, then ran off just in time as Rem tried to swat him with a dripping spatula.  
  
"_COME BACK HARE YOU DIRTY LITTLE MONGREL_!"  
  
"You're just peeved 'cause _you_ don't have a boyfriend!" I looked up, as I could hear them thudding over my head, Siri's muffled cackling rivaling Remy's angry shouts. They stopped above, a little to my left.  
  
"IF I HAVE A HAND PRINT ON MY ASS, YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO _KNOW_ WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO YOURS!"  
  
"But I couldn't resist, its just so nice and _plump_!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The running resumed. I chuckled, taking the back staircase to avoid getting mixed up in the chaos. Nothing was worse than Remus on a tangent. It was nice to see them so happy, so carefree. Remus and Sirius would have been the perfect couple, that is, if they could be in the same room together for more than 20 minutes with out something like the previous stunt happening. It was easy to see how they had once been involved; they were both extremely attractive. Remus with the regal look, loose curls that were dying to have fingers ran through them, molten eyes that seemed to pierce right through you when ever his gaze settled on you. It was no wonder why no one seemed to be able to keep a steady eye connection with him during conversation.  
  
But Sirius, he was beauty itself. Long, thick, shiny black hair that caught the light and reflected it blue. Eyes, such a deep sapphire, looking into them was like drowning in the deepest ocean, your only preserver was the thought that he would turn his gaze onto you, survey you with the same intensity, the same passion, with such love that you felt that you were drowning again. _But_ _it would be worth it, to have him look at me like that. Maybe Rem is right; maybe all he needs is_ _someone to tame him, someone to love him. What if I was that person_? /And you very well could be, but you have to get him to _notice_ you first/  
  
Stopping at my door, I switched the basket to my other hand so that I could turn the handle. It was time to call Draco...  
  
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I had picked through one of the three bowls of pasta that was in the basket while trying to remember where I had put Draco's number. I flopped down onto my bead. (_Where in the hell_ _could it be_?) I thought to myself. /Maybe its pinned to the corkboard with all of your _other_ friends numbers. Unless you happen to have a separate board for extremely fuckable Slytherins/  
  
I glanced to the wall at my right, and sure enough there was a post-it-note with the name "MALFOY" and a number on it tacked to the corkboard next to my vanity. I smirked and ran over to it and pulled it off, tearing a hole in the paper. I frowned when I realized that it was his cell number. I sighed and went over to the phone. Hopefully his cell was on. I hated it when people gave me the numbers to the phones that were never on or that they were _never_ near. /...I'm not going to tell you what the _obvious_ reason for that is.../ _shut up, my friends do_ _like talking to me_

I had dialed the number and was growing increasingly more agitated with each ring, until finally he picked up.  
  
"Hello?" He said brightly. He sounded a little breathless.  
  
"What took you so long to answer?" I said, a little more harshly than I intended to.  
  
"Well _sorry_ that my life doesn't revolve around sitting next to the phone waiting for you call! Besides, it took me a minute to realize why my pants were vibrating around the floor."  
  
"Why don't you have your pants _on_?"  
  
"...So how have you been?"  
  
I explained my situation, and what Sirius had told me about getting crushes to notice me. He was near hysterics when I finished.  
  
"You told him you had Diarrhea?" Through his laughing I caught something that sounded like 'moron'.  
  
"Well what was I _supposed_ to say?" I snapped.  
  
"The _truth_ would have been better!" He seemed to pull himself together. "Wow, I didn't realize you liked him so much." I didn't say anything. _Nether did I  
_  
At my silence, he responded, "Alright alright, I'm sorry. Now, develop an interest in some of the things he likes. This should be fairly simple, what sort of stuff is he into?" I blushed. Through all of my staring and fantasizing, I had completely bypassed really getting to know him, and of _course_ I had picked _right now _to notice this. Draco seemed to since my blush through the phone.  
  
"You mean to tell me that you wouldn't be able to pick out _his_ yahoo profile from a stack of complete _strangers_'?"  
  
"Well I wouldn't go so far as to say _that_)" I could _hear_ his eyebrow raise. "I just, hadn't gotten a chance to really ask him stuff."  
  
"Right, and _how_ long have you been living with him again?"  
  
"You're supposed to be helping me."  
  
"Right, well. You _DO_ know what you're going to have to do, right?"  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Sneak into his room, of course."  
  
"What? I couldn't do that! It would be _totally_ invading his privacy!"  
  
"Well genius, it looks like your going to _have_ to invade his privacy in order to eventually invade his bed. Now, what time does he usually head to sleep?"  
  
"Pretty late, but he spends a lot of time in there. If he's not with me or Moony, that is."  
  
"Well, you might have to lure him out. Where is he now?"  
  
"I don't know, lets see if Moony's done killing him yet."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing." I walked to my door and opened it silently. Creeping down the hall way on tiptoe, I made it to Remmy's room, where I heard the sound of laughter. Peaking through the door, I found them curled up on Rem's couch, in the middle of watching a movie.  
  
"Hello? Still with me here?" I startled violently, almost toppling over as I hasted to close the door.  
  
"Yeah, they're in Moony's room watching a movie."  
  
"Perfect! This is your chance!" he seemed to since my reluctance, and added, "Of course, if you don't want to do it, you could always just ask him a couple of questions your self. '_Hey Sirius, I_ _was just wondering, boxers or briefs?_' "  
  
"Why would I need to know that?" I asked as I turned to walk the five feet across the hall to Siri's room.  
  
"Future reference. Are you there?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm going in." I said as I pushed open the door. The room was a deep purple, with a shaggy black rug. It was clean, for the most part. But not organized clean, it was like an 'I haven't been in here for a while so I haven't had a chance to mess it up' type of clean.  
  
"No, need to sound as if you're entering enemy territory. You're just going to rummage around in his drawers a bit."  
  
"What? That was _not_ part of the plan!"  
  
"We never established a plan. And I know for a fact that the good stuff is always hidden. So, dig. Top drawer first."  
  
I did as I was told, pulling open his top drawer first. I moved various garments around. "What exactly and I looking for?"  
  
"I dunno, stuff."  
  
"Thanks Drake, your real helpful." I kept moving stuff around, pausing to pick up a little black box. I pulled off the top to find condoms in various different colours and styles and textures. They all seemed to be one size though. And what a size it was.  
  
"Finding anything?"  
  
"Condoms...Big, condoms."  
  
He chuckled. "That's never bad."  
  
"No, no. Not bad at all." I put the box back where I had found it and covered it back up. After a little more rummaging, I decided to move on. I pulled out my hand to find a skimpy little black g-string hanging from my pinky. "I think I just found the answer to the boxers or briefs question. All right, so he likes condoms. Moving on now."  
  
I closed the drawer and went over to a huge multi-compartment stand that held his alarm clock, his books, a couple of pictures (of me/him/Remmy, and some of his friends from the order), and various other little knick-knacks. I squatted down to the level of the books, and began to shift through them.  
  
"Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, wonder why he still has _that_, A Basic Guide to Dark Curses, What Ever Auror Should Know - and Then Some. Hmmm, these are all work books."  
  
I moved on to the next shelf. "Oh, look at this Drake. The Power of Love, The Life of Curt Kobain, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Wow, and he has a lot of poetry. John Ashbery, Mark Akenside, Bruce Andrews..."  
  
"See, you probably never would've known that if you didn't go in there."  
  
"Hmmm." I mumbled, still distracted by the books. I looked up and saw a CD tower in the other corner. "Music!" I all but ran over to the tower and sat before it. "Wow." He liked a lot of different stuff. "Guns 'N Roses, Steriophonics, David Bowie, Placebo, Queen, Korn, Black Flag, The Germs, The Distillers, Garbage, T-Rex, Sound Garden, and every Red Hot Chili Peppers CD ever recorded."  
  
"Good taste."  
  
"Yeah, but how am I going to work any of this into a conversation?"  
  
"Ask him to borrow you one of his CD's. '_I didn't know you were into the Chili Peppers'_ he'll say, and you'll reply with '_yeah, Anthony Kiedas is REALLY hot. Maybe we could go to one_ _of their concerts later this summer'_."  
  
"...Who's Anthony Kiedas?"  
  
"You're hopeless Potter. How 'bout we take a look at his clothes?"  
  
"Good idea." I stood and walked over to his closet, pushing aside the sliding door. "He has a lot of black...Belly bearing sweaters, fishnet tops, spaghetti straps, lots of tee-shirts with band names on them, ultra low-cut jeans, red thigh-high stiletto's, black knee-high boots, pink pleated mini skirt..." the last one was said very slowly.  
  
"Hm, sounds a lot like my closet." Draco mused.  
  
"That's comforting." I slid the door closed and made to walk around the bed, when I heard movement in the hallway. _Someone was heading towards the door!_ "How long have I been in here?"  
  
"Umm...maybe about 20mins? I'm not sure. Why?"  
  
"I thought I heard someone in the hallway. I didn't think they would be done with the movie so fast." A door in the hallway opened.  
  
"SIRIUS! WE'RE OUT OF TISSUE!" Remus yelled. He began to walk towards his room. I breathed a sigh of relief, which hitched to panic when he yelled, "AND WHY'S YOUR LIGHT ON?!?"  
  
"oh shit" I breathed, then threw myself to the floor beside the bed just a second before Rem opened the door to flick off the light.  
  
"I DON'T KNOW, BUT HURRY UP! I WANT TO FINISH THIS SOMETIME BEFORE TOMMORROW MORNING!" Sirius yelled back.  
  
"I'M COMING, I'M COMING!" The door closed.  
  
I peaked up. "Whew." I crossed the room to turn the light back on. "That was close."  
  
"Your family is loud." Draco yawned. I looked over to the clock; it was almost 11:30. "You think you're done?"  
  
"I guess, but I think I knocked something over when I hit the ground. I crossed the room again, and fond the journal that Rem had given Siri for his last birthday face open on the floor.  
  
"What was it?"  
  
"Siri's Journal fell open." I said bending over to pick it up.  
  
Draco guhawfed. "Are you kidding me? Things like that _never_ happen in real life! Now you _have_ to read it."  
  
"No, I can't. It was bad enough that I even came in here, and went through his condoms, but I am _NOT_ going to read his journal...damn you Draco."  
  
I looked down at the page that it was open to. It was an entry about the movie that we went to see last week. Funny, I had written about that to, although it seemed to be reviewing the movie more than talking about fighting the urge to kiss me. I flipped forward a few pages.  
  
_"...And I feel so alive when I'm with him, like nothing else matters. He is so...amazing. With his glasses off, it seems like I can just drown in his eyes. And his smile is so beautiful. I love talking to him. I wish I could tell him how I felt, but I know I can't. He probably only sees me as the dirty slut who can't keep his pants up for more than five seconds, never with the same person for more than a week. It had been the same at school, it was a wonder than I even got Remmy to go out with me back then..."  
_  
I shut the book, not being able to read anymore. So Siri was in love with _Remu_s. Well that explained all of the looks that he had been giving him lately, the knowing glances that Remus tossed in his direction, the flirting and the play fighting. And they had looked so comfortable together on the couch earlier...Tears sprang to my eyes. _What if he really didn't want me?_  
  
"Hare, are you alright?" Draco asked softly. I hastily wiped my face.  
  
"Yeah, just a little tired."  
  
"Alright, you should get some sleep. I'll call you back tomorrow, 'k?"  
  
"Yeah, bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
I hung up the Phone, and placed the journal back where it had been. _Maybe I should just give_ _this up, keep my feelings to myself. It's obvious that he's more interested in Remus than_ _me_. /And it's also obvious that Remus doesn't want him; he likes that Dave guy that he's always talking about. And you can't give this up! If you can make Sirius see how perfect of a match you guys could be, he's bound to come around/ _yeah, you're right. I have to keep trying. This just_ _means that I have to hurry and put the "plan" into action before its too late_ /It also means that you cant let them be alone together for extended periods of time. It's better if he sees more of you than _him_ right now/ _Right._  
  
I ran my hands over my face again, and picked up the phone before I headed to my own room, flicking the light switch as I went.  
  
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Draco sighed as he hung up the phone. It had been obvious by the abrupt halt in reading: Harry thought Sirius was in love with Remus. He himself knew the truth. Remus had called to give him the heads up on Siri and Harry's little bathroom chat (knowing that Draco would be the one Harry would go to), and he also filled him in on his suspicions about Sirius being interested in Harry (which had just been proved). Sirius, being the oblivious person that he was, still thought of Harry as his little baby, which means that he would more than likely brush off any of Harry's advances as him just being playful, which would result in him unknowingly breaking Harry's heart. That is, unless Remus stepped in to open Sirius' eyes.  
  
So they had come up with a plan of their own. Draco assists Harry (so nothing else like the 'stew incident' occurred), while Sirius would be left to Remus(and apparently Remus wasn't giving him an easy time of it-He had told him to ask Harry out ages ago). It would be hard, but it was absolutely necessary: every one was sick of hearing Harry and Sirius moan about the other when the other wasn't in the room.  
  
_Honestly, is was a wonder that they weren't together by now_ Draco thought. _I just hope_ _Harry isn't ready to give up, cause something tells me this is going to take awhile_  
  
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END CHAPTER 2! Hehehe. How'd you guys like it? I hope I didn't make Sirius sound like a total slut (by the clothes), but for some reason I just thought it would suit him if his clothes looked like something of a "Hot Topic" catalogue! I guess you could say that Remus and Draco are playing matchmaker, in a way. Well, off to work on chapter THREE! Luvs-yas!


	3. Shopping, Surprises, and Major MessUps p...

Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black

Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him...

Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC

Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe....

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I love you guys SO much, really. It's so much more fun doing this when you know that not EVERYONE thinks your crazy. I'm SO sorry I haven't updated in such a while. I've been trying to juggle random ficlets and finish this chapter, all while enduring grueling hours of Marching Band practice (COLOR GUARD ROCKS) and loads of homework for the last forever. I haven't had ANY time to write. But don't worry; I would never leave a fic unfinished (one of my biggest pet-peeves is when I fall head over heels in love with a story, only to realize that it hasn't been updated in 3 years). I think I'm back on track now, so I can establish a regular updating schedule, even if it takes me a bit. So, at long last, on to chapter three!

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AUTHORS NOTE/CHAPTER SUMMARY: Since I'm slow and couldn't find a way to incorporate this into the first 2 chapters, I'll put it here: Harry is obsessed with Manga, mostly Fruits Basket. Almost as obsessed as Sirius is with the Chili Peppers. Almost. So, with this new information, what will happen when Sirius tries to take some of his own advice?

Chapter 3 part-1: Shopping, Surprises and Major Mess-Ups

(oh yeah, and my computoris being retarded, heres some back round: the coments that come after the italisized portions are the characters subconcious answers to their thoughts (their thoughts are italisized) if you've read the 1st 2 chapters you should get it. sorry, i'll fix that when i figure out how. i think thats all.)

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Sirius lay awake staring at the ceiling, his arms folded behind his head. He'd been like that for what felt like hours. /It probably has been/ He thought to himself.

He sighed and rolled over on to his side, curling himself into a ball around his comforter as he looked up at the clock. It glowed 5:17 in big green numbers from his bedside table.

He thought about the previous nights activities, replayed them over and over again in his mind, trying to pick out any hints at all that Harry might feel the same way he did, but he found none. There was only mild teenage awkwardness, maybe a bit of flirting.

But then again, Harry is always affectionate with you. He sees you as a comfort figure, someone he could talk to. He would probably be _so_ grossed out if he knew that you were drooling all over him at lunch yesterday_But his hands felt so good when they were running_ _through my hair, like they belonged there_. And did you see the way he jumped up when he realized what he was doing? He was totally freaked_He was not...he didn't realize that he was_ _crossing any lines, he couldn't have. Maybe if he had stayed a bit longer..._ But he couldn't, because you and your horrible cooking scared him off. Face it, he doesn't want you. You might as well find yourself some old pervert who's still up for a kick and settle down, like Remus suggested

"This is ridiculous." I sat up and kicked my legs over the edge of the bed, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. _God, it even_ (_smells) like him in here_

I lost myself in my own thoughts for a while. "There has to be a way that I could find out if perhaps he was interested in me with out putting myself too far out there. That way, if he isn't, we can just go back to the way things were and no ones the wiser." My head, and my spirits lifted a bit at that thought. "The only snag is, how would I get close enough to find out, without getting close enough for him to figure out that I'm trying to find out? What if I don't get close enough to figure out anything? Or worse, what if he figures _me_ out before I even start _trying_ to figure him out? WHAT IF HE ALREADY _KNOWS_????"

I shook my head a little, taking deeper breaths than I normally would have. Calm down you dork! He doesn't know anything yet, but he _will_ if you start hyperventilating every time you see him! Look, there's a very simple way that you can go about this

_There is? What is it?_

Remember what you told him, the advice about getting people to notice you?

_Yeah, what_ _about it?_

USE IT!

_On HARRY_?

No, on the pope

_eww_

Exactly, anyway. Why not on Harry?

_Because he's Harry_!

_I just think that he deserves better than a stupid little strategy that I used to bed a bunch of_ _people I barley even knew_

Yeah, but this time you (know) the person. So in a way, you're showing a more mature side to your self

_Oh wow, this time I knew the guys name before I fucked him, how very mature_

...this isn't going to work if your going to be a dick wad about it

_Fine, but we're modifying a couple of steps to this 'grand master plan'...and what did you just call me?_

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Harry blinked awake to the sound of an irksome noise coming from somewhere in the house. He sat up and listened harder, but it seemed to have stopped, so he settled himself back down into his covers. His clock flashed 10:02 in purple numbers from across the room. Harry liked keeping his alarm the farthest away from his bed that he could manage: you see, if your clock is right next to your bed, then your natural instinct is to hit it as soon as it goes off, every time it goes off. However, if its about 16 yards away from you, by the time you cross the room in the dark/the haze of sleep to turn it off, you've fallen over just about everything that was in your path. And by the time he had tended to all of his cuts and bruises, Harry found that he really wasn't in the mood for bed anymore, which eliminated his over sleeping problem...Never mind that fact that Remus had to give him a cheering charm every morning at breakfast.

-----------

I went over the previous day in my head, trying to pick something from Sirius' actions that could've been seen as something more than friendship, but all I got was brotherly concern, friendly advice. I sighed as I turned over. _If I don't put this plan into action soon, I'm going to lose the chance. I've got to get his attention now, while he's still semi-single...I know! I can go shopping with Draco today! That way I'll have someone there to help me pick out clothes, music (and) memorizes names, and phase one of the plan can go into effect tonight at dinner! Perfect!_

I let out a squeal and kicked my feet a little. This was going to be perfect. That is, unless you manage to screw it up

_Oh don't you worry, there's no way I can mess this one up. And besides, what could go wrong anyhow?_

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Sirius hurriedly jumped out of the shower and ran down the hall to his room, jogging over to shut off his alarm clock that had been beeping for the last 15 minutes. It read 10:00.

"Crap." He muttered. He hadn't stopped to put his hair up, and it was dripping buckets as it hung down his back. "There's probably a wet trail coming all the way here. Oh well, good thing we have carpet." He turned to walk back to the bathroom. As he reached for the door, it opened on its own.

In walked Remus. "Hey Siri, are you alright? I heard you running and I..." He faltered, staring at Sirius with his mouth open. It was then that Sirius realized that not only had he forgotten to put his hair up, but he had also forgotten to grab a towel on the way out. "Looks like your hair isn't the only thing that's hanging and dripping, eh Padfoot?" And he ducked out just as Sirius took a swipe at him. He chased him out into the hall, and got about 3 feet before his foot gushed into a particularly big puddle of water. He slipped and flew a couple feet into the air(1) before he landed, hard, onto his bare backside.

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**_BOOM_**

"What the fuck?" I muttered. I ran out of my room into the hall to see Sirius on his back in a puddle of water, and Remus on his knees leaning against the wall, laughing so hard that his face was soaked with tears.

Sirius moaned and made as if he were going to try to sit up, but thought better of it. He seemed to settle for rolling over onto his side, which in turn sent Remy into a fresh bout of hysterics. The thought that Sirius could really be hurt never fully registered to Harry. All his mind could register was the fact that Sirius' _bare ass_ was propped up in the air. Nice view

_He looks like he's really in pain_ Remus looks like he's in pain. I don't think he's breathing

I looked over to the quivering lump that was Remus and saw him lift a hand up to wipe his face, his breathing labored. _He's fine_ I thought hurriedly _I __think I should see if Sirius is alright_

I walked over and knelt next to him. "Are you alright?"

"Mmhph" he mumbled as he turned over onto his back once more.

"What was that?" I asked, keeping my eyes carefully trained to his face. _Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down_

"I said, my ass." He raised a hand and ran it down his face. He looked up at me and we locked gazes for a long moment, unable, or unwilling, to look away. _Is it me, or is he getting closer?...wow, he has really long eye lashes...and his hair smells so good. I'm never going to be able to smell coconuts without thinking of him again...that's funny; it feels like someone's watching me. Sirius is right here, so the only other person..._

I snapped out of my trace and glanced to my right to see Remus standing with his arms crossed, his scary Remy-fied smirk set in place. Swallowing slowly and breathing a little to hard for comfort, I turned slowly back around to face Sirius, who was caught In between tying a towel he had summoned from the bathroom around his waist, and looking at me like a deer-in-headlights. _Its funny_

What's funny? Your extreme stupidity?

(_That, and the fact that he still manages to look sexy even though he looks like he's going to_ _puke...and how am I extremely stupid??? I didn't even (do) anything!!_!)

_Exactly! _You just had a butt-naked Sirius Black basically presenting himself to you on the hallway floor, and not only did you not take advantage of _that_ situation, but you didn't even manage to _kiss _him! I thought we decided that we weren't going to screw this up?

_I got distracted, Remus was standing there being all Remussy(2) and I choked_.

If you'd played your cards right you _could've_ been choking on Sirius...oh well, lets just hope that the extreme amount of damage you've _bound_ to have done is at least somewhat fixable.

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"My ass" I said, and I turned to look at him through the fingers that were running down my face. Our eyes locked, and as each second ticked past, I found it increasingly hard to look away. He was so beautiful, and his eyes were just so _big_...he had the cutest little freckle just off of his nose, and his nightshirt smelled like the fabric-softener that we used on the bed linen...

Suddenly he flinched and looked to the side to see Remus standing there with his know-it-all grin set in place. It was then that I realized just how close we were, and what almost happened, and that I was still naked... _OH CHRIST!_ I quickly summoned a towel from the bathroom and hastened to tie it around my waist, chancing a glance up at him to find him already looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face. You've really done it this time Black; I thought we agreed that we weren't going to screw this up!?!?

_I know I know, it's just...he's so beautiful, and I want him so much it hurts sometimes _

__I know you do, but things like this have to be gone about slowly. You only get one chance, and you don't want to scare him off, do you?

_No, no, that's the (last) thing I want. I've never felt like this before...I'll behave myself, I promise, no more screw-ups_

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Remus stepped in and closed the door to his room after watching Harry mumble something and run back into his bedroom, and Sirius sulk back into the bathroom. _If Harry hadn't noticed me_ _they'd probably be going at it on the floor right now_ It was obvious to Remus, and many other innocent bystanders, the way Harry and Sirius felt about each other. But they had all made a promise to stay well out of it and let them figure it out on their own. That had been about a year ago. Since then, there had been many hints thrown in their direction, and many obvious attempts made towards them by the other, but both were so quick to brush off anything short of a flashing neon billboard as coincidence that they had missed them all. It was getting rather sad; watching them silently devote themselves to each other while the other was completely oblivious.

That was why Him and Draco agreed to try and guide them in the direction of each other, without actually interfering, but it was getting to be kind of annoying for the two of them. There had been many of times since then that Remus had wanted to yell "Stop staring at Harry/Sirius" when they sat together for meals, and it drove him up the wall when they placed Remus in the middle of them when they went to the movies or walked around in shopping centers, but he obediently held his tongue. Besides, it was much more fun to tease them with the notion that he knew but Sirius/Harry didn't. _Oh well, at least their actually capable of speech around each other now_

I went around my bed to the closet, pulling out a comfortably lose pair of pants, but found no shirt that I wanted to wear. "I'll steal something off of Sirius."

I walked out and down the hall to his room and pushed open the door to find him sitting on his bed in naught but a pair of skimpy black boy-shorts, his arms around his pulled up knees, staring off into space. His hair was still hanging down, and it almost toughed the bed as it curtained his face. He was very attractive, with his dark features and his sullen since of humor; it was no wonder why Harry was so in love with him, and visa-versa. It hurt to see him in such a state of love sickness and heartache, but no matter how much he pushed, Sirius was the one who was ultimately going to have to make the decision.

I sighed and stepped into the room, throwing my jeans at him before I made my way to his dresser. They hit him in the side of his head and crumpled to the floor, and I turned to see him looking at me in confusion.

"They're called _pants_. An article of an ingenious invention called _clothing_." I stressed, gesturing at his majoral-nakedness.

He mustered a half smile. "I like being naked. I feel free."

I walked over and kneeled in front of him. "What's happened Sirius?"

He looked confused. "To what?"

"To you. What happened to the Sirius that went after what he wanted, fuck the consequences?"

His eyes hardened for a moment. "He died. Along with the rest of it... I don't know why this is so different, why I feel this way. I just know that if I rush this it could ruin everything. This, relationship, with Harry, could either be the best decision or the worst mistake that I've ever made, and I want to be sure that I'm ready, that _he's_ ready, for anything or _everything_ to happen...I need to be sure that we're ready."

This revelation took me aback. _And here I was thinking that he was just to afraid to say_ _anything_ Sirius is a lot more mature than you give him credit for_I guess he is_

I rested my forehead against his, my hands resting on his forearms, my eyes gazing into his. I tried to convey to him that I loved him, and that I would stand behind him no matter what he decided. But I also tried to tell him that if he didn't try this then he would end up regretting it for the rest of forever, and Merlin knows that we both have enough "what if we had's" on our plate to last us a while. I think he understood, because he gazed back at me for a while before he nodded his head slightly. I patted his knee and made my way back over to the open drawer, pulling out a random spandexy-looking black top before I closed it again.

"You never told me where we were going by the way." Sirius had told me the previous night to be ready at 1:00, but hadn't specified exactly what we were doing.

"I dunno. Out. Maybe it'll come to me when we get there." He muttered vaguely.

"What might come to you?"

"The plan." He said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I furrowed my brow in confusion before my jaw dropped down to my feet in realization. I shut it quickly and turned my back to him. _This must have something to do with that conversation he_ _had with Harry a few nights ago!_

Looks like he's finally going to stop being a prat and take your advice to take some of his _own _advice

_Maybe he (is) maturing...looks like this is going to be a fun trip after all_

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I can't remember what excuse I gave, but what ever it was seemed to work, because I got back to my room without any problems.

Or maybe they were to caught up in your _extreme stupidity_ to notice you had gone anywhere

_shut up this is going bad enough without your comments. I'm going to fix this, Draco is going to help me fix this _

It would be better if you let him do it for you, but of course you won't, 'cause that would be the smart thing to do...

I chose to ignore that as I hurried around looking for clothes, getting ready to go down for something to eat, then out with Draco. It was already 12:30. After I spent a while fighting with myself in the mirror, I went down to the kitchen to find Sirius sitting in front of a basket of fresh blueberry muffins. He was wearing a simple pair of loose fitting black jeans and a red tee shirt, his hair left down but pulled back by a black band that blended with his hair. He seemed to be very happy about something as he munched on a muffin and orange juice, and smiled brightly at me as I pulled out a chair and sat down.

"Sup?" he greeted, as thought this morning had never happened. If he wasn't going to bring it up, then neither would I.

"Nothin' much," I replied, taking a muffin from the basket. "Still waiting for my brain to fully awake."

He chuckled. I hadn't noticed that Remus was in the room until I heard the oven door creak. Looking over, I got a face full of his ass as he bent over to take a tray of bacon from the oven. I kept looking, trying to gauge from his expression whether or not he was going to bring up the fact that I almost snogged his best friend, but he seemed to be just as over it as Sirius was, and I was grateful for it. I looked back at Sirius to see him looking into his orange juice with a slight scowl on his lips, but when he looked up at me it completely disappeared. He gave me a dazzling smile that sent shivers down my spine, and I couldn't do anything at that moment but smile back at him.

Remus came over a few moments later carrying a plate stacked high with bacon, a motherly smile gracing his features. _He looks good today_ was my immediate thought. He was wearing a form-fitting black shirt with sleeves stopping halfway down his forearms, and a pair of worn in light blue jeans. About an inch and a half of his flat stomach was showing, a result of the jeans being so low cut, and his hair was pulled back in the same manner that Sirius' was, a few loose curls falling into his eyes. I looked back at Sirius to find him scowling again as he bit into his bacon.

"Where are you dressed to go?" he asked me as he sat and poured himself a cup of juice.

"Nowhere special, just out with Draco. Might go shopping."

"Hmmmmm" Remus replied, looking pensive.

"What?"

"Nothing...Just, what is it with you and Draco?" he asked, flicking his eyes to Sirius.

I almost choked on my muffin. "Nothing," I managed to get out. "We're just friends."

"Oh." He asked, still looking at Sirius out of the corner of his eye.

"Why," I asked suspiciously. It wasn't like him to ask questions without purpose.

"No reason, just wondering." He said, shaking his head slowly.

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"I hope your not trying at set me up with him," Harry said. "'Cause I already like S-...omeone." He recovered quickly, looking over at Sirius in panic. My eyes widened, and I looked over at Siri to see if he had perhaps caught Harry's slip, but he was still staring into his juice, unaware that he had even spoken. While Harry seemed relived about that, I wasn't. I had purposely set that up, and what did he do? Ignore the _entire_ thing. _That moron! -grrr- Whatever plan he's come up with had better be good_

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-mumblemumblemumlbeDracomumblefreindsshopping- was all that Sirius heard.

_I_ _can't believe this! I have to come up with a plan to get Harry to notice me, but all Rem has to do is waltz in here in a belly top and stick his ass in his face and he's drooling all over him! I_ _dress like that all the time and I've never gotten that sort of a response!_

Maybe he's gotten used to your slutyness. Now suck it up, he's not going to want to look at you if you've got that ugly frown on your face

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_Oh...my...god. OH...MY...GOD. OHMYGOD! I can't believe I almost let that slip. Remus was looking as though he had just pulled a galleon out of his ass. God thing Sirius wasn't paying_ _any attention_.

That's not a good thing you dork, he looks pissed off

At that moment, Sirius plastered a huge smile onto his face. "Ha, ha, haaaa." was all he said before he grabbed several pieces of bacon and shoved them into his mouth. Remy hitched a brow.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he said in amusement, shaking his head fondly.

Sirius just shook his head, his shoulders shaking as he laughed into his cup. _Well, at least he_ _seems to feel better_ At that moment an owl with a large purple square package stopped just off of the window, hooting loudly. Remus, being closer to the window, got up to open it. When freed of its burden, it took off without waiting. Shrugging his shoulders, Remus turned the package over and read the label.

"To Mister Harry Potter...Manga Distributors Incorporated?" He looked at me in mock seriousness. "I thought we agreed to lay off the Japanese porn?" Sirius hacked juice all over the table.

I glared at Sirius, who was still coughing as he wiped the table, then at Remus. "It is not _porn_. It's Manga. Authentic Manga to be exact." I said as I took the package from him and started to unwrap it. Sirius coughed something that sounded like 'extreme nerdyness'. "I hope you choke to death." I shot at him. He smiled.

I unwrapped the paper and opened the brown box underneath to find the first ten(3) copies of my favorite Manga series; Fruits basket. Ginny introduced me to it sometime in 6th year, and I had become obsessed by the time the summer holidays came around. I had been waiting for this to arrive for almost a month now. Remus said that it was unhealthy for me to have such an unhealthy obsession with an inanimate object. Little did he know that my most unhealthy obsession was sitting right across from me, and he was very much alive and breathing. Talking one of the books out, I turned it and read the back cover. When I glanced up at Sirius, he was looking at the front cover of the book with what I was sure was a very unhealthily excited smile.

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The answer to my prayers had been answered in the form of a box of books. I never understood why Harry would want to curl up for an entire day and read the first 19 copies of Inu Yasha over and over again, but oh well. _The character on the front of the book, Harry was looking at him like he would fuck him raw if he was real...I could look like that, I'm sure I could. All I need is my wand and a few articles of clothing..._

"Hey Remus," I said, picking up the book Harry had put down and studying the character closely.

"Hm?" he said, looking from something Harry was showing him in one of the books.

"I think we should take a little shopping trip of our own."

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All right! How'd you guys like it? I'm not done with this chapter yet, but I figured that you guys were way over due. Thanx again for being so patient! The response I got for the first 2 chapters was amazing! The second part to chapter 3 should be up later this week (I'm trying to get as much done as I can while I have some down time).

Yes, it is possible to slip and fall on wet carpet. Trust me.

Can you guys tell just how much I enjoy making up words? Quirking up Remy's name is my favorite past-time

I realize that some of the info about the number of the books is wrong (colleen), but it works better with the story this way.

Thanx again you guys, and keep a look out for chapter 4 (3pt2)!


	4. Shopping, Surprises and Major MessUps pt...

Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black

Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him...

Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC

Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe....

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I love you guys SO much, really. It's so much more fun doing this when you know that not EVERYONE thinks your crazy. I'm SO sorry I haven't updated in such a while. I've been trying to juggle random ficlets and finish this chapter, all while enduring loads of homework for the last forever. I haven't had ANY time to write. But don't worry; I would never leave a fic unfinished (one of my biggest pet-peeves is when I fall head over heels in love with a story, only to realize that it hasn't been updated in 3 years). I think I'm back on track now, so I can establish a regular updating schedule, even if it takes me a bit. So, at long last, on to chapter FOUR!

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AUTHORS NOTE/CHAPTER SUMMARY: Since I'm slow and couldn't find a way to incorporate this into the first 2 chapters, I'll put it here: Harry is obsessed with Manga, mostly Fruits Basket. Almost as obsessed as Sirius is with the Chili Peppers. Almost. So, with this new information, what will happen when Sirius tries to take some of his own advice?

Chapter 4 (ch3 pt-2): Shopping, Surprises and Major Mess-Ups pt-2

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After a semi awkward brunch was over, Sirius found himself in the living room sitting Indian style on a pillow in front of his laptop, his hair loose and hanging to the floor as he stared intently at the screen.

_This is going to be perfect_

/I'm going to have to see it to believe it/

_No, really! How could I POSSIBLY screw this up?_

/I'll leave that up to you to decide/

_...Shut up_

At that moment, Remus walked into the room with a cup of cocoa, a furniture catalogue and a highlighter. Catching sight of Sirius, he pulled up a pillow and sat beside him.

"What are you on?" Remus asked. He sat his cup on the floor and opened his catalogue to a page that he had already started highlighting.

"Google." Sirius answered. He clicked an arrow that brought him to a different page.

Remus placed his chin on Sirius' right shoulder. "What are those pictures of?"

"Fruits Basket." Sirius answered, frowning at a picture of a man with long white hair named Ayame Sohma. (1)

_Why does he remind me of Lucius?_

/Could it be that he looks on awful lot LIKE Lucius?/

_Maybe...._

Remus lifted his head. "Isn't this that comic that Harry was reading earlier?"

"It's not a comic, it's authentic manga." Sirius answered absently.

"Oh." Said Remus. Sirius missed his smirk. "So, what exactly are you looking for?" He was full out smiling now, but Sirius was still oblivious.

"Nothing much, just a picture of this guy." Sirius clicked to another page.

"This guy huh?" Remus asked, now fighting back laughter. "Have any idea what this guy looks like?"

/You are having TOO much fun with this Remus/

_I know, but its just SO fun to watch him do stupid stuff. I could tell that he was getting pissed off this morning when Harry was "watching" me, he is SO transparent, not to mention territorial. I'm really surprised it's gotten to the point where they have to do THIS to get the other to pay attention to them_

XXXXX20 minutes earlierXXXXX

KNOCK KNOCK 

"Come in!" Harry shouted from his desk.

Remus stepped through the door, shutting it behind him.

"Hey," Harry said, glancing up from his computer.

Remus kneeled next to his chair, bracing his elbows on the desk and setting his chin on his arms. "Hey. I was just about to make some hot chocolate, just wanted to see if you wanted any."

"No thanks, I'm still really full from breakfast." Harry clicked am arrow that brought him to a different page.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothin' much. Just looking for pictures of some bands."

Remus glanced to the top of the page. GOOGLE IMAGE RESULT FOR: Audioslave

"Isn't that one of Sirius' favorites?" Remus scanned the page. Girls in flares and "I-heart-Chris-Cornell" painted of their cheeks and shirtless guys that were covered in mud adorned the pixel frames.

Harry blushed. "Is it? I didn't notice. D-Draco was telling me about them...I thought I'd check them out." He said this all very fast while staring at the keyboard.

"Mmmhmm." Remus clicked his tongue. "What is it that you and Draco were planning on doing today?"

"Shopping." Harry looked at Remus and cocked his head. "Why?"

"Just wondering," Remus said, standing slowly. _He isn't planning on doing what I think he is..._

"Take a jacket." And with that he turned and left the room.

_That was close_ Harry thought as he turned back to his computer.

XXXXXPresentXXXXX

/Love is blind.../

_...And it'll take over your mind_.

/Hehehehe/

_Hehehehe_

Remus snapped out of his trance and looked up to see Sirius walking back from the printer that was across the room, a folded paper in his left hand and a scary smile on his face. As soon as he got close enough, Remus snatched the paper from his hands.

"Who is this?" he asked.

Sirius kneeled down and started to turn of his computer. "Haru Sohma." He was still smiling.

"Right. So when are we leaving to go on this sacred _shopping_ trip?"

"In a half hour maybe? I want to look for something else."

"So I'm guessing you figured out what the _plan_ was?"

"Yep!" Sirius answered serenely. _He is so off in his own little world. I wonder if he even notices he's answering me? Lets just see how much I can get him to tell me..._

"So," Remus said slyly. "What's with your sudden interest in manga?"

"Harry likes it." Sirius said quickly.

"Uh-huh. So, what does that have to do with you?"

"If _Harry_ likes it, then _I_ have to like it." Sirius said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'm still not getting what all of this has to do with you." _I'm so evil_

"It's all part of the plan, you'll see."

_Here's what I was getting at_ "And what plan is this?"

Sirius rolled his eyes." The plan to get Harry to like me." His eyes widened to the size of saucers as he turned to a self-satisfied smirking Remus.

Rem hitched a brow. "And why would you want Harry to like you?" He grabbed his book and his mug and headed off towards the kitchen.

"Rem, please-"

"Could it be because you've been_ madly_ in love with him for the past, oh, I dunno, (FOREVER)?"

"Listen - wait, how long have you known?"

"We've all know for about 2 years now." Remus said walking over to the sink to rinse his cup.

A look of dread passed over his face. "You, _all_? Who exactly are you _all_?"

"Me, Tonks, Dave, Bill, Draco-"

"_WHAT_? Harry's little (_riend_s are in on this?"

"In on _what_?"

"What ever plan I'm sure you've come up with." Sirius huffily threw himself into a chair and put his arms around his head.

Remus walked over and sat in the chair next to him. He leaned over until his mouth was level with Siri's left ear. "What are you so afraid of?" He whispered.

Sirius lifted his head and Remus was startled to see his hair sticking to the tears that were trickling down his face. He ran his hand over one red blotchy cheek.

"Harry rejecting me. Everyone else rejecting me."

"Oh sweetheart. I know for a fact that won't ever be that case. Harry loves you, I love you, and so do the others."

Sirius looked up. "You mean you don't mind?" He asked with wide eyes.

"Of course not. And I don't think Harry would either if you tried talking to him." He coaxed.

Sirius shook his head violently. "No. No I can't do that. I like my plan better, I'm safer with my plan."

"You're going to have to talk to him eventually." Remus said, laying a hand on his arm.

"I know, I at least _try_ this first?" He pleaded.

_He looks terrified_ "Fine," Remus sighed. "But couldn't you at least come up with a better plan? I mean come on. _Manga_?"

Sirius smiled. "Harry likes manga." He said simply.

Remus shook his head.

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Harry got out of the car on shaky knees, shoving the door closed so hard that the frame rattled.

He tossed a glare at Draco, who set the alarm on the car door with the push of a button a 'Beep Beep' before he threw the keys into his bag.

"You drive like a mad man." He said as they set off toward the mall.

"I honestly don't see what the problem was, the truck s_topped_." Draco said as he rooted around in his bag for a piece of gum.

"Barely. And I _still_ don't see why you had to bring that _purse_." Harry said, looking at the offending item in Draco's hand with distaste.

"It's a _handbag_. And I _told_ you, it _matches_ with my _outfit_...Gum?"

The 'outfit' in question consisted of black ankle boots, black shiny-leather flairs, a green soft velvet t-shirt, and a shiny black leather handbag with a silver chain strap.

"No thank you, and maybe if you would put that crap in your _pocket_s."

"Pants are to tight for pockets."

"Exactly"

Draco blew a bubble, tapped Harry on the shoulder, and popped it on his nose when he turned his head.

"Aaaargghhhh!" Harry yelled as he wiped the sticky pink goo off of his face.

Draco chuckled as he held the door to the mall open for Harry.

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Harry picked up a red pleated micro-mini skirt with a safety pin chain from a hanger on a wall. He put it back with a shake of his head and turned around to come face to face with a display case full of stickers that said things like ' I love carbs' and 'I-heart-pirates'.

"What did you say the name of this store was again?" Harry turned to Draco, who was examining a pair of lime green jeans.

"There's a big ass red sign out side that says 'Hot Topic', right?" Draco said with a hitched brow, still examining the tag on the jeans.

"Right." Said Harry, flushing slightly. "And what exactly are we looking for in here?"

"Something that makes you look like the stereotypical Audioslave groupie." He replied, rehanging the jeans ad walking over to Harry. He picked up the red skirt that he had just been looking at.

"This is cute." He said turning it over in his hands.

"No," Harry said, taking it from him and rehanging it.

"I might want it," Draco challenged, taking the skirt back down again.

"No," Harry said again, taking the skirt and hanging it up once more.

Draco pursed his lips and walked in a different direction. "Hmmmmmmmm. Oh, I know! Leather! Sirius has lots of leather!"

"Leather chafes." Harry said.

"But it _looks_ sexy as hell."

"But it _chafes_." Harry said, writhing as if he could feel it bunching up on him.

"Fine, how about this?"

"No."

"This?"

"No."

"This?"

"No."

"This?"

"No."

"This?"

"No."

_"This_?"

_"NO"_

"Well what _do_ you want?" Draco asked exasperated.

Harry looked around desperately. Finally his eyes landed on something.

"...How about _that_?"

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As they headed back to their car, Remus couldn't help but think that this would be the biggest most unnecessary mistake of Siri's life. Still, he had to laugh.

"I still can't believe we got this costume at such a low price!"

"Siri, it was the only one they _had_." It had taken the manager half an hour to find Sirius' requested costume, which had been stored in the very top of the very back of the anime ware house they has visited. "And all of the pieces weren't even in the package, I'm sure they had forgotten it was there. Are you sure it's even the right _size_?"

Sirius opened and unlocked the car doors. "Are you calling me fat?"

Remus sighed. "Never mind."

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When Harry arrived back home, it was to find Remus in the kitchen making dinner, light music playing in the back round.

"Hey." Remus said, looking up from his chopping. "How was shopping?"

"Great! Where's Sirius?"

"Upstairs. Dinners in a hour!" He called up at Harry who had flown out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

_When will they learn?_ He asked himself as he resumed his chopping.

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Sirius jumped as a knock sounded at his door. "Remmy says dinners in an hour Siri!" Harry called.

"All-all right! Thanks!"He tensely listened for the sound of his feet walking away, his bedroom door shutting... _Whew! That_ _was close!_ He thought as he upturned his bag and shook his new stuff out into the comforter. _This is going to be (perfect_)

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Harry tossed his bag onto his bed and kicked off his shoes. _This is going to be (perfect_) He thought as he grabbed a towel and headed for the shower.

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Remus Smiled to himself as he poured himself a glass of milk. He leaned against the counter and watched the sauce in the pot bubble and spatter against the sides._ This is going to be a disaster_

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1) Alright, I saw this picture when I was searching google and I SWEAR I thought it was Lucious on first glance. Prove me wrong!

All right! This was a short chapter, I know, but it took me a while to get back into the momentum. Though I (do) like the way it ended, so it's all good. Not to worry, next chapter is going to be much longer, and funnier! Thanks for all of my wonderful reviews! I love so all SO much! Drop me a line if you wish! Kisses!


	5. Sauce, Asses, and Eyliner

Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black

Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him…

Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC

Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe….

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AUTHORS NOTE/CHAPTER SUMMARY: All right, our favorite non-existent pair is almost ready to show what great lengths that they would go to, to get the other to notice them. Will everything end smoothly, or will yet **another** mistake set them back?

Ch 5: Sauce, Asses and Eyeliner

Harry closed the door to the bathroom behind him as he placed his towel on the edge of the sink.

"I'm tired of rumors started

I'm sick of being followed

I'm tired of people lyin

Sayin what they want about me"

/Why are you singing that horrible song/

_I dunno_ sitting on the edge of the tub, he turned on the tap, sticking his left hand under the running water as he twisted the knob with his right. _I kinda like it, and it's stuck in my head anyhow-_ He pulled the shower knob, stood up, and pulled his shirt off over his head. _Might as well sing it_

He wiped his hands off on his shirt before he flung it in the direction of the bin, doing the same with his boxers. He danced and twirled over to the cabinet under the sink, pulled out a hairbrush and shampoo, and proceeded to dance around the bathroom.

"Do-do-do dodo dodo, do-do-do dodo dodo, do-do-do dodo doooouuuhhhhhhh!" /_BangFlump/_

He slipped on his abandoned jeans and slammed into the door, hitting the same shoulder that he had hit just a few days ago.

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Remus, cutting board and spatula poised over the bubbling pot over the stove, glanced up toward the ceiling as he heard a thump and a strangely tuned yell sound from upstairs.

_Should I?_ He was thinking of going to check on whom ever it was that had made the noise, when another "FUCK!" was yelled. _Not_ He finished scraping the veggies off into the pot, and carried the board over to the sink.

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Harry bit his tongue as he gripped his shoulder. He started to slide down the wooden door, but a very sharp prick to his backside caused him to shoot back up again.

"FUCK!" Harry grabbed his left butt cheek, where he could feel the tip of a small piece of wood lodged deep into his skin. _Of all the fucking places to get a sliver_

/Now what have we learned today/

_That we need metal doors?_ Half twisted around to look at his ass, he prodded the space around the sliver, wincing every time he got to close to the tip.

/That's right, Lindsay Lohan IS evil/

_Maybe it'll come out on its own_ he thought as he gingerly tried to squeeze it out, with feather light touches, and even that hurt.

/You're just afraid it will hurt/

_Am not!_

/Pussy/

_Am not!_

/Are to/

_Am not!_

/Prove it/

_Fine then!_

Harry limped back over to the cabinet, where he found a small nail clipper. He got onto his knees, reaching behind him with both hands: one hand found the sliver, and the other prepared with the clippers to tug it out.

/Ready/

_I guess_

/Hehehe ahem …1…2…/

_3!_

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

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"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" came the muffled yell through his door. Sirius jumped, sending the different eyeliners that he had been matching to his outfit flying across the floor.

_That was Harry's yell!_

/ No doubt about that. It almost sounded like the one from your dream last night /

_Yeah… You think he's naked?_

/God Sirius! Go see what the hell's wrong with the boy before you start having thoughts about his naked body! _Geez_/

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"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" came the sudden yell from overhead. Remus jumped, causing his spatula to flick upwards and splash his face and shirt with sauce.

"Son of a-" Remus muttered, grabbing a towel and wiping his face semi clean. He attempted to do the same with his shirt, which resulted in him smearing the sauce and making a bigger mess than he had started with. "Crap." He glared at the ceiling, flung the towel in the direction of the counter, and set off toward the stairs, the spatula that was still in his hand leaving a trail of sauce behind him.

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Sirius rushed out of his room right in time to see Remus marching up the stairs, sauce covered spatula in his right hand and pissed off expression on his face. They kept walking to meet at the door. Sirius took a second to get a good look at Remus: the sauce spots that were still all over his chin, the book-sized stain in the middle of his shirt.

"Miss your mouth much?" he asked.

Remus opened his mouth as if to say something undoubtedly witty, couldn't think of anything, and shut his mouth with a huff. "What the hell is he doing in there? " he asked to change the subject, putting his left hand on his hip. "He's disturbing the delicate stirring of my sauce."

Sirius gave one of his patented 'what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about' looks, complete with eye roll, then gave three knocks to the door. "Harry?"

"_Ouch_, crap, _OUCH_!" came the muffled sounds from behind the door. There was some shuffling, then the distinct sound of the lock being pushed into the door handle. "I'm, squeak, I'm fine!" There was a thump against the door. Sirius jumped back, Remus raised his eyebrow.

"What the hell just happened?"

"I dunno, I think he just passed out."

Remus breathed a sigh of impatience. He gave the middle of the door one forceful smack with the palm of his hand. There was the sound of bare flesh smacking heavily to the floor, along with an 'Oomph'.

"I think he may have been leaning against the door," Sirius pointed out. Remus ignored him.

"Potter!" he yelled. "What the hell are you doing in there?" Sirius pushed him out of the way.

"Are you alright Harry?" Remus pushed him back.

"My _sauce_ is burning!" we wailed. Sirius stopped.

"What the hell is it with you and that damned sauce?"

Remus looked to the ground. "I want it to be perfect." He pouted.

Sirius muttered something along the lines of 'fucking psycho'. Remus glared and crossed his arms, smacking himself in the face with his saucy spatula.

"Harry?" Sirius knocked again, but softly, as though any loud banging might set him off again. "Are you alright kiddo?"

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"Are you alright kiddo?" Sirius asked.

_Great. 'Kiddo'. He's kicked back into parental mode again_.

/Well you do sound like your trying to kill yourself in here. All that screaming. Honestly, have you _no_ consideration for the other people in this house/

_Consi-. I'll kill YOU! All of that screaming was YOUR fault!_

/Oh yeah, cause I put that clipper in your hand and _made_ you jam it up your ass/

_I didn't /jam/ it_

Harry touched the ass in question, wincing uncontrollably as his fingers made contact with the broken flesh. It turned out that he hadn't had as good a grip on the sliver as he thought, which resulted in him ripping off quite a bit of flesh with the sharp steel edges of the clippers. He _did_ manage to clip off the protruding edge of the sliver, but that now meant that there was an irretrievable piece of wood lodged deep into his backside, and there was no way for him to grab a hold of it to pull it out. Oh yeah, and he had a patch of skin missing from his left butt cheek.

/Oh I'm sorry, not _jam_. Create-a-second-hole. That's better/

_I should have used tweezers_.

/You should have let Sirius do it/

The thought of Sirius made his ass contract. _Ouch!_

/Weirdo/

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"Harry?" Sirius knocked again, but softly, as though any loud banging might set him off again. "Are you alright kiddo?"

There was a long pause. Sirius was just about to knock again when the door opened just enough for Harry to poke his head out. "Yes?"

"Um, are, are you alright?" Sirius asked again.

"Never better," Harry replied, wiping his sweaty bangs out of his face. Remus pursed his lips. Sirius looked confused.

"Then what was all the screaming about?"

"Scr-screaming? What-what screaming? I didn't hear any screaming." Harry stammered.

"The screaming that came from this bathroom not more than 10 minutes ago. What, was it sounding from my ass?" Remus asked.

Harry groaned. He stepped back and closed the door a little more when he saw Sirius come forward a little, a look of concern on his face. He quickly recovered himself.

"Oh! _That_ screaming. Hehe. I was, um, practicing my singing! Hooome home on the raaaaannge. Where the-… /_Ahem_/." He quickly cut himself off at the looks on their faces.

"So, your not, dying." Sirius said slowly.

"Nope, dying free. In fact, I'm _not_ dying _so_ much, that I'm more alive than I've _ever_ been in my _entire_ life of being alive! Watch!" He attempted to demonstrate his point by jumping up and down. He did the first part quite well. It was the coming down part that was the problem. The pressure of him coming down on his injured buttocks made his knees buckle, which resulted in him falling straight backwards. You can imagine what happened after that.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Sirius jumped back, knocking Remus over, who grabbed on to Sirius' shirt and pulled him down with him. They landed in a tangled heap. "Get _off_ of me!"

"No _you_ get off of _me_!"

"Let go of my hair!"

"Get your elbow out of my side!"

"Those are _my_ underwear!"

"…"

"…"

Sirius pushed himself up and brushed himself off while Remus rearranged his underpants. They turned back to the bathroom door, where they could hear the sounds of slight sobbing from the other side.

"Harry?" This time it was Remus. "Are you sure you're alright in there?"

A muffled 'yes' could be heard from somewhere near the floor.

"Your sure?"

"Yes."

"So it would be alright if I went back down stairs and finished my sauce?" He ignored the glare he was getting from Sirius.

"Yes."

"Good." Sirius pushed him out of the way.

"I'll be in my room. Shout if you need me alright?"

"Please don't." said Remus wearily. But Harry didn't seem like he was listening anymore.

Remus turned to Sirius. He folded his arms (the spatula was sticking out of his pocket), jutted his right knee, and looked at Sirius with his lips pursed. Sirius arched a brow.

"I'm mad at you." Remus declared.

Sirius stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out the two eyeliner sticks he had been holding before he ran out of his room. He held them out in front of Remus.

"Red or blue?" He asked.

Remus rolled his eyes and started to head back towards the kitchen.

Sirius turned and started to walk back towards his room. Before he got there, a very loud yell from down stairs could be heard.

"**FUCK-A-DUCK!" **Remus had discovered the trails of sauce that his spatula had left from the kitchen to the bathroom.

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/What the hell was that/

_Who cares?_ Sirius closed his door behind him.

_Stupid Remus. 'My name is Remus Lupin, and I'm a big fat stupid Remus wolfie head.'_

/That was such an amazing impression. I could have _sworn_ he was right here in the room with us/ Sirius scowled. /You know, you _really_ shouldn't make that face, it's not very attractive on you/

Sirius went to his vanity mirror and made the face again. _I think it's fine_

/You look constipated/

Sirius poked his bottom lip out, made it tremble, and made puppy-dog eyes.

/Now you look like your crying cause your constipated/

Sirius turned away from the mirror. "This is ridiculous."

/Yup/

"And a waste of time."

/Sure is/

"…What was I doing again?"

/Finishing your outfit so you can go down to dinner and woo Harry with your amazing memory/

"Oh…wait!"

/What/

"…Nothing…"

/That is, if Remus hasn't poisoned your dinner/

"Why would Remmy poison my dinner?"

/Cause he's mad at you/

"Oh yeah. But I didn't do anything."

/Of course not/

"…I'm so _confused_!"

/Its alright, just finish your outfit and then we can have a cookie, sound good/

"Alright." Sirius moped back to his bed. The clock on his night stand glowed 6:23 in big green numbers.

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A/N: I DON'T OWN LINDSAY LOHAN! I just have this thing against that song. Long story. Anyhow. Sorry for the long wait. I didn't realize it had been that long. I felt like making this a silly chapter. Plus it didn't tie in with chapter 6 too well. I was high on happy gas when I was writing the ending of this chapter, can you tell? Anyhow, R/R. Love ya! Kisses!


	6. Red Raspberries and Empty Icetrays

Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black

Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him…

Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC

Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe….

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AUTHORS NOTE: I KNOW! It's been FOREVER! But I have an excuse……… Um, we'll get to that later. I'm going to hurry up and finish this story before I get lynched. This will most likely be the 3rd to last chapter. Hopefully, if every thing goes as planned. Which it never does.

Ch 6: Red Raspberries and Empty Ice-trays

Remus had just got done putting dinner in the warmer when he heard the doorbell ring. He glanced at the stove clock. _7:05_. _Right on time_ Remus thought as he took off his oven mitts and smoothed down his shirt. He was wearing a simple black button up top over a pair of loosely fitted dark blue jeans. His hair was pulled back in a low messy ponytail, and his face shined pink with that just-scrubbed cleanness that only a brillow pad could produce (1).

He had invited his friend Dave over for dinner. Partly because Remus secretly thought he was really cute, but mostly because he needed someone to share the tremendous joy and laughter that was sure to come with Sirius' elaborate scheme. Keeping something like that to your self was just plain selfish.

Only problem was, Sirius didn't much like Dave. Remus suspected it had something to do with to fact that he was crushing on Dave during the final rocky stages of his and Sirius' relationship, and that Sirius blamed him for their break-up for a long while afterwards. But Remus honestly thought Sirius had gotten over that. He sure had; it wasn't as if they still had more than friendly feelings for each other…But for all Remus knew, Sirius was just holding one of his weirdo grudges. Dave could cure cancer and Sirius would still hate him. On that note, Remus checked his reflection in the back of a spoon, aka: made kissy lips (2), smoothed his shirt down once more, and made his way to the door.

He stepped back, smiling, as he opened the door to a face full of Dave. His smile switched from one of greeting to one of lust as Dave smiled back. He had deep red curly hair that fell to about the bottoms of his ears, and a thin build similar to that of Sirius, but a little more muscular. His eyes were a hazel blend of green and light brown, and were slightly covered by the two curls that fell in front of his right eye, and the one that fell into his left. Remus noted that every time he tossed his head, the curls shook, but always fell back in to their original placing: two in front of his right eye, one in front of his left…

"Can I come in?" came Dave's deep baritone. Remus snapped out of his quite obvious trance.

"OH!" he cleared his throat. "Yes, of course." He took a step back wards.

"I brought you something," Dave held out a large sized box of assorted gourmet Honeydukes chocolate, tied with a red ribbon. "I remembered how much you liked chocolate," he went on as he stepped in. "I went out and bought it for you after you invited me over."

Remus nearly melted. "Your wonderful." He gushed. Then donned a look of horror when he realized what he had just said.

"Its only polite." Dave said. He held out the box of chocolate.

"Thank you," said Remus. He took the box from Dave's hand, and, at a loss for what to do with it, replaced it with the spoon and started back towards the kitchen.

Dave looked at the spoon, at Remus, then back at the spoon, shook his head, and followed him into the kitchen.

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"OUCH!" Sirius screamed. He was straightening his hair, when all of a sudden he found the top of his right ear trapped between the plates of the flat iron (3). He quickly dropped the iron, and jumped back before it landed on his toes. Leaning forward, he examined his ear in his vanity mirror.

/It looks like crisped bacon/

_Shut up. It does not. It hurts like a mother though_

/Like a what/

_A mother_

/What-? I'm not even going to ask. But you've got to admit it. Your ear looks like bacon/

_It does not !_

/It _fried_ like bacon/

_So? That doesn't mean I'm going to up and take a bite out of it_

/Bacon ear/

_Shut up _

/So, how does it feel/

_How does what feel?_

/Having a ear that looks like bacon/

_Fuck you_

/I would, but I don't really trust the capability of your hands right now/

Sirius scowled into the mirror, but that made his ear throb even more. The burn was getting darker, and it burned even more when he ran his fingers across it.

"I need to get some ice for this," he said to himself. He tied his hair back, to prevent it from rubbing against his ear and irritating it more, and set off towards the kitchen.

He walked down the hall to the stairs, stopping to remove an enormous wedgie. The underwear that had come with the costume definitely answered the question Remus had asked him earlier: No, the costume was not the right size. But there was nothing Sirius could do about that; he didn't trust to use magic on an article of muggle clothing, and it was way to late to go back to the store and dig through the warehouse of costumes again. Besides, Sirius had a suspicion that Remus had hidden the car keys from him.

/Look at the bright side, the costume is definitely tight enough to show off your non-existent curves to Harry at dinner/

But Sirius ignored the Snape-like voice in his head. Now standing in the middle of the staircase, he could hear Remus talking to someone. A male. And it wasn't Harry.

_I recognize that voice_

/So go see who it is/

Sirius edged his way down the stairs, tiptoed through the living room, and stopped beside the opening that divided the living room from the kitchen, back flat against the wall, arms spread length wise on either side of him.(4)

/This feels like mission impossible. Do you hear the James Bond theme playing from somewhere/

_Shhhhhhhhhhhh_

Sirius rearranged his position, so that his stomach was pressed against the wall, and slowly poked his head around the doorway. Remus was bustling around collecting Items for tea, and was talking to a red headed guy that was sitting at the table. Bill? No, as he rotated his head around to crack his neck, Sirius saw that it definitely wasn't Bill. But he definitely looked familiar. What other non-weasely redhead did he know? Hmmm. Sirius stopped thinking to listen to their conversation.

"So you and Sirius bought this house together?" Dave was asking. He accepted his tea with a 'thank you' as Remus Sat across from him with his own cup.

"Yeah. Along with his, well, our godson Harry. There both upstairs somewhere." He took a careful sip of his still hot tea.

"Are you back together?" the red headed stranger asked. He also took a sip of his tea.

_How does he know about that?_ Sirius wondered. _Did he go to school with us?_ He frowned. This guy's identity was on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn't place it.

"No, we're just really good friends. He has his own, um, love interests." Remus smirked, and Sirius resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at him, even though he knew Rem wouldn't see him.

"So you're single then." The stranger sounded interested.

"Yeah," and Remus looked it. "Are you?"

"Yup." They both smiled.

Sirius had the feeling that he shouldn't be listening to this. But the need to find out just whom this man was over took the urge to go back upstairs. And a sudden sharp pain from his ear reminded him that he still needed to get his ice.

"So what have you been up to since school," Remus asked. So he had gone to school with them.

"Well, I opened up my own robe shop in central Romania. Business is pretty good, so I travel a lot. "

"Oh Dave, that is so wonderful. We'll have to come visit your store sometime. Sirius could do with some knew robes."

Sirius scowled from his now squatted position on the floor. Then something clicked. Dave…Dave…DAVE! Dave McIntosh. That big shot goody goody that stole Remus away from me in 7th year!

/Oh please. You guys were already half broken up/

_So? That didn't mean that he was fair game for anyone who wanted him_

/Um…_didn't_ it/

_Of course not. I didn't even know they were still in touch. Figures, that Dave always was a playboy. He probably only wants to get in Remus' pants_

/Gee. Sounds a lot like some one I used to know/

_Really? Who?_

/…Never mind/

_Whatever. I want him out of this house_!

/Why/

_Because I don't like him_

/Why/

_'Cause I just don't_

/So you hate him for 'stealing' away Remus, who you weren't even going out with anymore at the time. And now that I think of it, they never even went out. So basically you just hate him just to hate him and you're using Remus as an excuse/

_Basically_

/I love how you realize how dumb you're being, yet your still not doing anything to change it/

_Why should it? I have a right not to like people_

/Not when you don't have a _reason_ not to like them/

_Who made up that rule?_

/It's in the big unwritten book of unwritten rules. You've never read it/

_No_

/Figures. Anyway, just don't go doing anything stupid. He's never done anything to you/

But Sirius was already on his feet. He smoothed down his tank top and rearranged his pajama bottoms, once more pulling his costume-panties out of his ass, and tiptoed into the kitchen.

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"Yeah, Sirius' robes are absolutely atrocious. I've been trying to get him to get new ones for ages." Remus was saying, when something behind Dave caught his eye. Sirius was carefully walking up to Dave, looking as though he was about to haul him up by the scruff of the neck and haul him out. Remus groaned.

_Son-of-a-bitch. No. No no NO. Sirius, so help me god if you run this beautiful boy out of here I will have to kill you_ Remus thought as Sirius got even closer. Sirius seemed to since his thoughts, because he stopped in his tracks and looked up at Remus. Remus made a dismissing gesture with his hands as if to say 'Get the hell out'. Sirius looked offended.

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_How dare he?_ Sirius thought. He pointed angrily at the oblivious Dave, who was stirring his tea with his spoon, as if to say 'What the hell is _he_ doing here?'

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Remus seemed to have understood his meaning. _How dare he?_ Remus thought. _This is my house to! I shouldn't have to_ _screen my company just cause he has his panties up his ass!_ He folded his arms and sat back in his chair as if to say 'I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he'.

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Sirius opened his mouth, out raged. This was his house to! He shouldn't have to be exposed to obnoxious people just because Remus had some silly crush! _Man, my panties are really going up my ass_ he thought.

/Prolly wouldn't be a good idea to pick them out just now/

_Yeah, prolly not_

He pointed his finger at Dave, then in the direction of the front door, and then back at Dave as if to say 'I want him out of here!'

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Remus rolled his eyes, and then flicked Sirius off as if to say, well, the obvious.(5) Remus glanced back at a surprised Dave, who had looked up just as Remus stuck up his finger.

Remus searched for a quick recovery. "Um, like my nail polish?" he asked sweetly. Dave turned around to find Sirius' finger pointed in his face.

"Um, hey Sirius." He said. "Didn't hear you come in."

Sirius glowered at him. "You stay out of this, boyfriend napper." He snapped.

"Oh for the love of-" Remus started, standing up, but Dave beat him to it, donning a look of dawning understanding.

"Sirius. I would like to put this entire thing behind us. Start over. I'm willing to be sorry for what ever it is that I may have done, if you'd be willing to forgive me." He stuck out his hand.

Sirius lowered his accusatory finger. /Now you really have no reason not to like him/

_Shut up. How do I know I can really trust him?_

/Um, maybe because he never did anything to lower your trust in him in the first place/

_Didn't I say shut up?_

Sirius took his hand. "Fine, but I'll be watching you."

_There's no way I'm letting him get his grubby little paws on Harry_

And with that, Sirius dropped his hand and walked over to the freezer to take out the tray of ice. He got a plastic baggie, cracked the ice tray, poured the entire contents of the tray onto the baggie, and then tied it up. He then carried the empty ice tray back across the kitchen, and placed it back into the freezer.(6)

Remus watched him. "Aren't you going to fill the tray back up?"

"No"

"And why not?"

"Because I know you're going to do it."

"And what makes you think that?"

"Because you always do." Sirius wrapped a towel around his bag of ice and put it to his ear. Both Remus and Dave gave him a 'what the hell' look, but neither of them said anything.

"And what if I decide than I'm not going to do it this time?"

"You will when you want some ice."

"And what if you want some before I do?"

Sirius shook his bag. "I already have some."

Remus made a face. "That's gross."

"What? At least I don't have to make anymore ice. I'll share with you if you want."

"I'd rather make my own than drink from your eary ice bag, thanks." He got up to get the empty tray from the freezer, and brought it to the sink.

"Told you he'd end up doing it." Sirius said to Dave as he passed him on his way to the stairs.

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Harry was in the bathroom closest to his room. He was reading the back of a box of hair dye.

Luscious raspberries:

Guaranteed to give your hair the colour and shine of ripe red raspberries, or else we'd imagine you'd be very pissed off!

If you have is blonde to light brown hair- leave on for 25-30 min

If you have dark brown to black hair- leave on for 30-45 min

(Timing may vary depending on the length and thickness of hair)

Harry had bought this on his shopping trip with Draco. He remembered Sirius muttering something about 'sexy redheads having his babies' when they were watching Bill try on a pair on jeans in a muggle department store, but he didn't think Sirius had meant for him to hear that. He'd never mentioned it, just in case. But either way, Draco said that red hair would look very good with the outfit that they had bought. The one that Harry still wasn't exactly sure he wanted to wear.

IIIFlash back to the hot-topic dressing roomIII

"Draco, I really don't think I want to wear these." Harry wined in complaint to the faux leather hip-huggers he had on. He twisted around so that he could see his ass in the mirror.

"What's wrong with them?" Draco asked. "They look fine to me."

"There way too low cut." Harry said. "I can't bend over with out a good 4 inches of the crack of my ass showing."

A store assistant was checking the dressing stalls for left behind articles of clothing. He stopped at Harry's cubicle just as he was finishing his sentence. "I don't see no problem with that honey." He said with in a very flamboyant accent. "More power to you." He snapped his fingers twice and resumed the checking of the stalls.

Harry, appalled, pulled Draco into the stall and yanked the door shut. "What?" Draco said.

"What the hell is the matter with you? I didn't realize the door was open."

"You didn't feel that breeze run down the crack of your ass?" Draco smirked.

"I hate you."

"No you don't." Draco looked over at the wall, and pulled down from the hanger a g-string that was stretched as if it had been tried on by a person twice its size. "Here," he said, holding it out to Harry. "If you're so worried about a little crack action, wear this under your pants. I bet Sirius would like it"

"Even if that wasn't totally disgusting, I don't think I have room for anything else under these tight ass pants."

There was a knock at the door. "Don't ch'all be getting busy up in there, 'cause I got to clean that up when 'yall get out." Said the flamboyant man.

"Lets get the hell out of here." Harry said. He quickly changed into his own pants, grabbed Draco (who gave the man an innocent smile as they rushed past him), and hurried to the register.

"And I'm driving." Harry said as they walked out of the store.

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Harry hadn't found any other suitable under wear that would work under the pants, so he had opted to go commando. He would just have to super glue the sides of the pants to his waist. Giving his attention back to the box in his hand, he started to feel the nervous squirm in his stomach again. He had followed the directions for applying the dye to his hair, and had covered it with a plastic bag. That had been a little more than 2 hours ago. He had taken a little nap to take his mind off of the still searing pain of the wound on his ass, and had awoken only when he felt an incessant burning in his scalp. He remembered the dye when he touched his head and felt the crinkle of the plastic bag, and had run to the bathroom to consult the box. That had been 5 mins ago.

/You idiot. How could you fall asleep with out setting your alarm clock/

_I forgot!_ Harry moaned aloud. He brought himself to his bathtub, pulled down the showerhead, and kneeled on the ground, fiddling with the tap until the water warmed.

"It won't he that bad Harry. I promise. It won't…I hope." He pulled the shower plug and watched the water spray down the drain for a moment, steadying his breath, before he reached up and pulled off the plastic bag. A smell like burnt rubber and ashes immediately filled the air, and Harry stifled another groan as he bent over the tub and brought the stream of water to his head.

He kept his eyes tightly closed the entire time, washing the dye out of his hair, shampooing several times before the smell seemed to wash down the drain with the water. He groped blindly for the taps to shut the water off, and grabbed a towel from the rack, wiping his face before he tied the towel turban style around his head. As he stood up, he noticed several large lumps of what looked like stringy sud-covered spaghetti in the tub. He put on his glasses and realized with several skips of his heartbeat that that sud-covered spaghetti was his hair . He brought his hands to his turban with a look of horror on his face.

_It didn't, it couldn't have, it wouldn't have…_

Slowly, he pulled the turban-towel from his hair, and screamed bloody murder.

/It did/

He fainted.

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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" THUMP was heard from upstairs. Dave started and looked at the ceiling. He made a move to get up, but Remus placed his hand on top of Dave's to stop him.

"Don't bother." He said to Dave's very confused look. "Can I get you some more tea?"

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He woke up about 3 mins later. His ass cheek felt as if it had split open again, but he ignored it as he jumped up to look in the mirror. He put a trembling hand to what was left of his hair. It had come out in patches, and had broken off in places, and to make it all worse, the lovely shade of red raspberry it was supposed to be had over developed in to a horrid shade of crap-green.

"This cant be happening to me." Harry mumbled. "I have to be at dinner in," he looked at the clock. "35 minutes. My hair is supposed to be red. RED!" He turned towards the mirror and glared at his awful reflection. "Red!" He pointed his finger at his head. "Turn red!" Another patch felt out into the sink. He growled. "What am I going to do?"

/You could go to Mexico/

It was then he began to feel the pain in his ass from falling on it for the 10th time that day. He put the palm of his hand to it and winced. "I need to get some ice for this."

/No, you _need_ to get a wig/

Harry covered his head with another bag, and walked down the stairs, careful not to jar his ass cheek, but he ended up doing it anyway. By the time he got down the stairs, his ass hurt so much he was limping. He held it with both hands as he limped awkwardly past the table where Remus and Dave sat with out even noticing them.

When he got to the freezer, he pulled it open with his left hand (his right still firmly attached to his cheek). He attempted to lift the ice tray, but found that he had trouble getting it out. When Remus refilled the tray and put it back on the freezer shelf, some of the water had sloshed over the sides, freezing the bottom of the tray to the shelf. Well of course Harry didn't know this, and, thinking that the tray was just being stubborn, took hold of the tray with both hands and pulled hard. The task of yanking the tray up was accomplished; the only problem was that a section of the freezer shelf had remained frozen to the bottom of the tray: A box of frozen peas had come flying out of the freezer and burst open against a wall, a turkey had fallen to the floor and was now rolling its way down the hall, and Harry was now completely drenched with the not quite frozen contents of the ice tray. He burst into tears.

"You are so paying for those peas." Remus said, drawing Harry's attention to them for the first time. The fact that someone had just witnessed that amazing display of stupidity made Harry sob even harder. He threw down the ice tray/broken freezer part and ran out of the kitchen.

Dave watched a pea roll across the floor, then turned to Remus. "Your family is weird as hell."

"I know," Remus took a sip of his tea. "That's why I'm moving in with you."

Dave, if possible, looked even more confused.

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20 mins later, Sirius had finished his hair, makeup, and costume (which proved to be even tighter than the underwear).

_There. It doesn't look that bad_ Sirius thought. He lifted his leg and pulled his underwear down again.

/You can not do that all night/

_I wont be able to. I'll be sitting down_

/I'm sure you'll find a way/

_Ready to go?_

/Are you sure you want to do this/

_Why? Don't you think I look good?_

/……Go down stairs/

_But-_

/Just, go/

_Humph_

Sirius turned out his light and waddled down stairs. When he got to the kitchen, he struck a pose (right arm up, left arm down, legs spread). "How do I look, gentlemen?"

Dave spat his tea clear across the room.

Remus put his hands to his mouth. "Oh…Dear god."

Sirius looked around. "Hey, why are there peas all over the floor?"

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/There's nothing more you can do/

_I can't go down stairs like this_

/Then don't/

_But if I don't, they'll come looking for me_

/Then go downstairs/

_Lot of help you are_

/Look, just go. I'm sure Sirius has a thing for half bald men with huge asses/

_My ass isn't huge_

/It's too huge for those pants/

_Draco said they were supposed to fit like this_

/Draco lied to you/

_Shut up. All right. I'm just going to go. Maybe they won't notice?_

/Oh, of course not/

_Of course not_

/'All I want for Christmas is my hair to grow back, my hair to grow back, my hair to grow back. All I want for Christmas is-/

_SHUT UP!_

Harry shut off the light to the bathroom and went down stairs. He could feel his pants sliding down already. He stopped before he went into the kitchen.

"Come on Harry, you can do this. Just don't mention it, and they wont notice it." He took a deep breath, and walked in.

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Cliffie! Hehehehehe. Sorry once again for the long wait. The next chapter wont take so long, I promise this time. Alright, notes from the story:

1) Has anyone ever scrubbed their face with a brillow pad? It makes your face very smooth, albeit as raw and red as hell.

2) Don't tell me you've never done this. EVERYONE has done this, be it in the back of a spoon or a toaster or your dads shinny head (if he's bald).

3) I did that this week. Hurt like hell. Didn't look like bacon though.

4) I do this all the time when my friends and me are running from security guards in our schools hallway. I sing my own theme song though.

5) Just incase you don't know, to flip someone off means to give them the middle finger. And if you didn't know that, hopefully you get the joke now.

6) I do this all the time. Drives my parents nuts. Kinda funny.

So, there, chapter 6. I should have some new one-shots out before the next chapter of this story. Only two chapters left! Hope you enjoyed:)


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